It's late. It's almost 2:00am, I'm at the station on shift, and I can't sleep.
I've been thinking about the things I've accomplished this year, and how much more is left ahead of me. A few months ago I wrote a blog post about all the things I had left to do in school before I could even get to the point I'm at. It seemed like forever away, and now it's over! I'm hoping a similar phenomenon happens to me in the next few months, because for the first time in my life I'm about to embark on an adventure to a new place all by myself.
I'm a small town girl (living in a loooonely woooorld... Thanks Journey). I grew up in Alaska, which many people don't even consider part of America. The longest I've ever been away from home was on a 6 week long road trip I took after I graduated from high school. Now, years later I'm headed to a city in New England I can't even pronounce for three months. Three Months. That's ninety days. I don't know where I'm going to live, I don't know what I'm going to eat, but I do know that I'll be tired and busy. I'll be spending those three month running with a fast-paced EMS service, learning the ins and outs of how to be a good paramedic. I've spent the year cracking the books and learning the techniques, now I'm being sent out into the world to put it all together and see what I can make of it.
Is it an awesome opportunity? Yes. Am I excited? Of course! Do I sometimes throw up a little when I think about it? You betcha!
I took two months off between school and internship to earn the money I was going to need to support myself while I was away. Meanwhile, most of my classmates have left on their journey and are getting ready to come home already! I'm hearing stories and learning things via them, which adds to both my excitement and my nervousness!
Corny as it is, my biggest stumbling point is leaving behind this really wonderful man I've started building a life with. We've been together a little over two years now and frankly, I keep expecting this feeling of ridiculous attatchment to wear off. We're supposed to be past this stage by now, it shouldn't feel like torture to not see each other for a couple of days, but it does. I will get to see him for a little while in October, he'll be meeting up with me in New Jersey for his daughter's wedding. That will be a fairly rushed visit, I think. He has three kids and three grandkids that I'm sure will be occupying his time. I'll do my best to be a fly on the wall for that and not let my missing him get in the way of his rare bit of family time. It will be hard. I'm hoping to extend his trip a little bit longer, but unfortunately money is going to be tight and our finances will need him to get back to work before too long.
The thing I need to keep reminding myself of is this three month internship is the means to an end. Afterwards, it will be over and all I'll have to do is pass a test and I'll be a paramedic. That means being able to get a steady job and starting down a career path that I can support a family with. That means being able to start digging myself out of debt and being able to eventually live a more worry-free life. That means vacation pay, retirement, and sick leave. That means health insurance. That means being in a place where I can finally take the time to become who I want to be and not have to work three jobs just to get by.
This particular investment in my future has taken everything I've had to give and then some. Looking back over the past year, I've given time, money, blood, sweat, and tears to this endeavor and it's not enough yet. There's this one last huge hurdle in my way, and I'm not willing to let it defeat me. I've always thought you couldn't be courageous unless you were afraid, but I never really wanted to test that theory.
Oy... Here goes nothing.
-Jess
